i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
