What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude i'm inner monologue high
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i think my cat just said my name.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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