Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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