He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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