I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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