Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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