i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
