is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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