Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
