Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
