Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
