I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
