so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
