I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
