If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
