did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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