Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
