I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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