I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
well I can't set my house on fire every night
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
