I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
