you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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