you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
