She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The Olympian is in my bed
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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