god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just threw up on my dentist
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
