I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
