My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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