Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
