i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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