Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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