Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
