I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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