Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
