I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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