You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
