You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
