Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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