Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
