I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
