just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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