This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
two words: eviction party
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
