we have pet lesbian snakes
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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