Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
