i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
