just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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