At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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