Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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