Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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