How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
