Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just invented taco cereal.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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