At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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