I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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