Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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