I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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