we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
