This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
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it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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