Little spoons don't ask big questions
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
