I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
