I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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