They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
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You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
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He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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