He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
