Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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