No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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