Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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