i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
