i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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