You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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