Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think a kid would responsible me up
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
